Swan Taming With Bob Rudling - A Beginners Guide

I have lost count of the number of letters I get from members of the public each week, asking me on tips on taming Swans on the Broads, so to make life easier I'll publish a Swan Taming guide on this here blog.

How many times have you been out on the Broads when suddenly your arms go numb or you get lazy and don't feel like rowing any more? Hundreds I'd say. What's the first thing you do? Yes, try to tame a swan. Not easy though is it? Not as simple as you think. Well, follow my guide and it will be boy.

Not all swans can be tamed, dead ones are particularly tricky to tame. Some swans are what we call 'challenged' and find it difficult just being a swan. Leave training special needs swans to the Hickling Broad Pygmy's that live in the reed beds. They have been taming swans long before the broads were flooded. They would paint the swans with woad and ride them in chariot races. Recent digs have unearthed tiny pygmy chariots at Oulton.

WARNING - DO NOT GO SWAN CHARIOT RACING ON THE BROADS. THIS IS AN OFFENCE.

Blast me, sorry about that, but by law I have to put that warning on my guide. However, there is no law that says that during the icy winter months you can't tame swans to pull you along on a sleigh. But you didn't hear that from me ok?

So, swans, what are they? They are evil devil birds.

How long do they live for Bob? Too flickun' long.

What do they eat? How the F@@@ should I know.

You don't like swans do you Bob? I'm flickun' sick of the site of them.

Can a swan be tamed though? Oh yeah, that was what I was going to do wasn't it? Talk about swan taming.

So, you will need string, swans and a skis. Lasso the swans with string. Pull them toward you. Knock them unconscious then put headphones on them and play them anything by M-People. This will hypnotise them. They are now under your control. Dressing up the swans is optional, though I love to make the swans look ridiculous so sometimes whittle tinfoil outfits for them so they look like they they are from outer space. Then I get on the bank, put my water ski's on. Chuck the swans in the water, hold on tight to the end of the harness's then fire darts at them. Woooooosh! Away you go, being towed along the braod by space swans.

Thanks, Bob.