Andy Palmer Has Bells Palsy

Quite incredibly two thirds of the Dave & Confused show have come down with a bizarre medical condition called Bells Pasly in the last few months. My how I mocked Confused's contorted features, cruelly caling him the Elephant Man. Oh how I laughed at the way he was unable to close his eye, having to tape it down at night to avoid it from drying out. Oh.....oh? Oh no!, I've now got it!!!

About 3 weeks ago I thought 'funny, my right ear doesn't half hurt', then 'funny, it's dead hard to swallow food on the right hand side of my throat.' I didn't go to the doctor's as I am a Norfolk man and we don't do that sort of thing. Instead I took Ibrofen and the pain went, although I wondered why my toungue was going numb on the right hand side.' Then Friday, I was being vain and using tweezers to trim my eyebrows, I get these weird long blonde ones...when I realised I couldn't raise my right eyebrow. Then I realised I couldn't life the right hand side of my face at all.  'Oh my God I'm having a stroke!' I thought. I called NHS direct, and quite incredibly the whole system works....I spoke to a nurse who said it sounded like Bells Palsy. She told me to go to Bowthorpe Hospital, I went there, amazingly there was hardly anyone there, I saw a very nice Dutch Dr (they come over at the weekends and make a mint apparently as UK Dr's can't be bothered to do overtime as the earn so much.) She gave me steroids and anti Virals.

That was Friday night, fortunately my face hasn't got any worse, although it's not got any better either. I have to keep putting eye drops in my right eye so it doesn't dry up. Food and drink is a pain as it's quite numb on the right and hard to taste/chew. Luckily as I am gorgeous anyway I still look fantastic, unike Confused who looked like a terrified cod looking at it's reflection in the mirror upstairs in Langleys.

As a mark of respect for my rare, tragic disease, I would appreciate tributes. I would like Michael Jackson style adulation. I want Normal for Norfolk songs played in supermarkets and on the radio. Do it. Now you all know what Bells Palsy is.