Bernard's Blog - 4th August - Joyce on Race Hate Charge

Well what  mornun! What a mornun'! I have just spent 3 hours at the Police Station on Bethel Street convincing them that 87 year old Grandmother of 5 Joyce Medler is not a Nazi. "How did this happen Bernard?" I hear you cry. Well let me tell you boy, let me tell you. Joyce called up asking for a lift up to Sainsbury's to get a card for Brenda's birthday, now you may remember that Joyce can't get about anymore and her mobility scooter has mildew and won't budge. Thas' right I help out drivun' her up to Walsham then I drop her off, Joyce then crawls around the town centre, literally, dragging her orthapaedic shoes that leave black scuff marks on the pavement, they are a cheap rubber sole, but ut makes Joyce easy to find.I simply give her an hour, thas' enough time to buy a large white tin loaf, a wordsearch book, the People's Friend and some ginger nuts. I then park up, and like Columbo, or maybe Sherlock Holmes, I follow the black trail left by Joyce as she crawls all over the town (where's the dignity?) until I find her, her shopping bags are usually cut to shreds, her hands are usually raw with blood and sometimes she's passed out. Anyway, I said 'Get in the car Joyce, I'm off to Norwich as I need to find a touch up paint for my Rover 416. I'll drop you off at Tombland, You can have an hour to crawl around the city, I'll find you and pick you up, well the cards are better up the city hent they?'

So I dropped her off, she literally fell onto the pavement and as I pulled out I could see her in my mirror crawling across the road near Ha Ha's. I went to find a touch up paint. Cut a long story short I bought the paint to do my scratch, drivers side. Then I parked and followed Joyces' scuff marks until I got to Anne Summers, which suprised me. "I'm looking for Joyce Medler!" I said. As the trail ended here. "Oh, are you Mr Stringer?" said the pretty girl serving. I dearnt look up, the shop is filthy. Full of dirty things, like being in France or Newcastle. "She's been taken to the police station." Well I asked 'what thur heck' dint I? "Sam, can you shoe Mr Stringer what you scrubbun off?" And there is it was, a swasticka scuffed on the  shop floor, I could not believe ut! Joyce, a Nazi! 

So I went to the station and spoke to Joyce. She told me that Brenda was a kinky and liked 'role play.' Joyce thought'd be nice to get some sexy presents for her. So she'd crawled to all four corners of the stall and by coincidence left an orthapaedic rubber swastika, marking her route!

The police saw the funny side, though they suggested Joyce get her mobility scooter seen to so she don't hev to crawl like a baby around public places, they also suggested she wear a non marking sole. I said to the police "Dunt be ridiculous, Joyce can't do that! How the flick would I be able to find her?"