Rehearsals begin on Bernards stage play 'The Life of Oscar Wilde...with Rabbits'

Hullo darlun. Thas Bernard hare, here, hair? Here! Now I am delighted to announce details of a stage play I have written and am directing. Now, I dunt like the theatre, last time we went to the theatre we had to turn the car round just as we arrived at the carpark cos my wife, bless her, started screaming 'Bernard! I've left the hair straightners on! Turn the car round!' Stoopud woman, why she uses hair straightners is a mystery as she's totally bald. All her hair fell out when her sisters tortoise went on a rampage and ate her Grandad. The shock caused her to go bald. The tortoise is still alive and used to be owned by Lisa Stanfield who taught it to say 'Natalie'. Why? God only knows.

My wife has a phobia of pets, could she have been the one that forced Flopsy to suck a bubble gum Chuppa Chup? My wife likes a bath and so she dunt feel lonely she puts the goldfish in the bath with her. 'Are yew alright in there darlun?' I say ter, 'Yes Bernard, the goldfish are keeping me company.' she say ter me.

The Life of Oscar Wilde is now in rehearsal stage. The cast are all rabbits. I'll let you know how uts going later. Has anyone else had their Grandad eaten by a tortoise?